Blank. Always Blank.

Does anyone else have those days where they suddenly become acutely aware that they are alive? It’s a weird thing to ask, I know. But I swear it’s a thing, well I hope it’s a thing for others and not just me. Right now I’ve having one of those days where the madness of life comes to a halt and I’m like ‘Gee, I’m alive. I am a person with thoughts and feelings yet I’ve not been aware of it lately. I’ve been so absorbed in my run of the mill life that I had forgotten that I am indeed alive.” – Yeah I admit it’s pretty weird.

I only have the occasional day when I feel like that and a few hours later, life catches up to me and I instantly forget about it until the next eureka I’m alive moment! This time it’s been different, those days are coming more frequent and it started since I moved back home. Maybe it’s because I’m back living at the parental unit, having packed up all the belongings I had accumulated over the last four and a half years of university and moved away from the life I had built for myself away from my family. A fresh start! That’s how my mother see’s is opportunity but I do not share that same sentiment. Sure, living rent free is nice but I had moved out for a reason and I really liked it. I wonder whether this feeling is down to me now falling into the cliche of being an unemployed graduate whose back home living with the folks. Then again, maybe it’s because I tried to kill myself 15 days ago. I suspect it’s the latter. To feel so oddly alive after trying to take my life, feels odd… It kind of reminds me of that film Veronika Decides to Die but then again my story is no Hollywood movie.

It had been 368 days since my last serious suicide attempt, prior to this most recent one. I’ll spare the gory details of what I did both times  – just know it involved a whole lot of pills – as it’s very late on my end and if I think about it in depth them I’ll start ugly crying, my nose will end up blocked and I’ll never be able to sleep. Having persistent insomnia is bad enough without adding a blocked nose to the mix. What I will share is what I have learned in the last fifteen days since I’ve been coming to terms with what happened:

  • My mother is still overwhelmingly failing to see the seriousness of my mental health issues. We’ll dive into this further at a later date and you’ll learn that the woman who brought me into this world is oblivious to pretty much everything. She was at the hospital with me but had no idea why I was there, she just turned up after I called. It wasn’t until the next day when we were having a conversation that it came out. Mummy dearest thought that it was like last year when I took that overdose because I had hit rock bottom and need a way to ask for help. Boy, did the truth of the situation hit her hard when I out righted stated that I was indeed trying to take my own life. My old lady isn’t really a bad parent, occasionally self absorbed and just a bit clueless. 
  • Even though I tried to kill myself, life still goes on. It was like literally nothing had happened the following day. At the hospital I had spoken to two doctors, five nurses and some other people but I was so out of it that they could have been Bugs Bunny and I wouldn’t remembered. I was discharged the same day and sent home, I was still pretty groggy by them so I went straight to bed. The next morning I was back to my normal routine of feeling empty and laying in bed all day. The old mother had to go to work but my brother was around to keep an eye on me although he doesn’t know anything about the overdose, nor does he know about the previous one. My siblings are emotional people whereas I’m generally not so I tend to keep them in the dark about the really bad stuff. So basically it was business as usual on the home front.
  • I really can’t take care of myself. I’m 23 and I can’t function like most other human beings,  tasks like getting out of bed, showered and dressed are still impossible for me to do every single day. I know that sounds bad but my mood tends to stay at a very low level for long periods of time and I end up being empty, devoid of all feelings and will power. On a good day I can do all three, on average day maybe I can get myself out of bed for a while and freshen myself up and put on new pyjamas. On a very bad day I can only shower as that allows me to bawl my eyes out in total privacy in my house.
  • I am slightly preoccupied with thoughts of death. I suppose this is rather self explanatory.
  • The loneliness has become it’s own entity, I feel like I now have two black dogs following me around: depression and loneliness. Since moving back home, there having been these feelings of isolation and loneliness and I’m constantly aware of it. People are telling me to go out and go see friends and it’s hard to explain to them that I don’t feel like I can do that. I feel like I don’t belong here in London anymore, I don’t fit in with my pre uni friends anymore. They all seems to be succeeding and I can’t even get myself dressed most days, let alone figure out where I went wrong. I don’t know if I belong anywhere, I feel so lost and out of place all the time.
  • You can feel so alive and yet empty at the same time.
  • Contrary to popular belief around me, positive thinking is not going to fix me.
  • I am tired all the time. Physically and mentally despite the fact that I can’t do anything right now. I also cam trembler huge chunks of my day, I keep drawing a blank and I’m worried that the new meds I’ve been put on may be causing this. Pharmacy didn’t provide that sheet of paper with instructions and etc, so I have no clue …
  • This illness may actually succeed in killing me one day and the thing is, I like being alive. I don’t think I really want to die but I don’t have the will to live either and I’m not sure if I can keep struggling with being this depressed and anxious for the rest of my life. It’s not going to kills me today or tomorrow, but I can’t speak to ten years from now. Especially of the next ten years end up being as bad as the last three.
  • I feel like Eminem is the only person who truly gets it.

This nightmare isn’t going to end, maybe someday…

But now I need to try and get some sleep.